Do What You Love

There is a simple guiding force in the universe many agree which draws us to our "Destiny". That force, or energy, or God is what acts as a magnet. Some believe it's "Him" upstairs, others concur it is the energy either being attracted or repelled by the flowing beams of goodness (energy) that run through us like a river of electricity.
I've experienced that doing something I hate makes for great stories and amazing venting monologues, but isn't very enthralling for the rest of the world. Who cares, it's my party and I'll cry if I want to.
My spirit was crushed today.
I'll play my violin for you: I am taking 6 full time Masters courses and am smack in the middle of moving, with a pregnant wife, and was unemployed until I was asked to be a substitute teacher (just for two weeks) for my landlord's middle school. A substitute is pretty much a warm body (preferably breathing) to stand in front of a class to make sure the students are alive for the next class. In a middle school, you are meat for the beast, because many of these kids don't respect or give a shit about their regular teachers. So a "sub" is worth less than the filth on their brand new sneakers, that they cannot afford but so many have.
There is a dark feeling inside me that wants to be away from these little monsters. Most look unloved, and uncared for, and it's sad. But I am in a different position now, as soon I'll be a Dad, come April 29th '09. I am proud, excited, thrilled and honored, and now biased. I used to feel for these kids left behind, because they will be. Maybe not in every class room, but the world will forget about them. It's just nature.

My priority is my son and my wife.

If I was not born into the family I had been, way back in 1972, I would be one of these sad and lonely children.
But I still find myself wanting to be away from them. The angry middle school shadows of the future.
I am not enjoying this, can't you tell?

I was not like this when I was a student as a child. I was respectful, and quiet. I did my work and I went home.
I also did/ do not understand the loud, dumb, acting out... I have no patience for it, nor am I sympathetic. They are animals...they were when I was a kid and they still are. The public school, loud, smelly, obnoxious, damaged babies that parents messed up.

I am damaged too in my own way. But at least I was/ am quiet.

Yesterday, I asked my wife and she said she loves going to work everyday. She loves it. My colleague said she too loves her job. They both collectively have over 15 years experience teaching. I'm glad they love it. Somebody has to.

I am just having very negative thoughts and feelings and I can't always "leave it home" I'm either to weak, or too sensitive. That is who I am. So what? Who Cares?

The day seemed to drag on, and on and on. As though there was no end. The smiling, cackling, devious, brats just talked and talked and talked. I had to go to places in my mind where I found comfort and security, because yes, I wanted to kill them.

I went to lunch with my colleague; we went to get Mexican food at a nice place around the corner from the school.
Exhausted and defeated, and ready to go home (I'm a wimp and I don't care), I ordered my burrito lunch special and went to sit down at the table where my colleague chose for us to sit.

I sat down, sipped my diet coke, and saw a familiar face staring back at me from the printed table cloth.

It was a Mexican poster of Spiderman, reaching right toward me. Bright red and blue! It was like seeing an old friend...
I did look around the entire eatery. Just in case I was reaching. Not a single superhero did I see anywhere other than directly in front of me.

Is it a sign? I hope so. And I'll take it. Whatever it means.

You only have one life to live....

...so please....

.......Do what you love...

the world will be a better place for it.

have a great sunny Spring....
w/ love-
G.